brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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