of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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