C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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