The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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