I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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