Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
