Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
