I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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