I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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