Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
