What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
