meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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