Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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