Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
