This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Would you object to my putting the bidet video on my Facebook page? It;s awesome.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Randomize