True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
