If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
