Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
