Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
