Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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