okay pat passed out under dana's car
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
