By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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