just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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