NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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