your parents love me but you hate me
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
