Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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