so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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