he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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