happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
