I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
