You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
