I look better un-naked...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
