Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
