I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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