did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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