why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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