Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
