I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
