I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
