Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
