If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize