so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
