Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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