I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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