I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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