Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
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