I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
