If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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