lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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