yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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