I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
