im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
