you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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