He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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