Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
