If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
