I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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