Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
