Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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