did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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