My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
