Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
