Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
