Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
